by: Emily Song

The Bunion is proud to bring you: A Gift Guide for Your White Elephant Gift Exchange

The ho ho holiday season is here, meaning it’s time to remind yourself to give presents to your fellow IA friends or if you’re really trying to suggest something, any IA classmate. After browsing pages of NYT’s, The Wirecutter and NY Mag’s, The Strategist looking for the perfect secret Santa gift, I’ve thought of every possible gift for all IA students for except the person I got for secret Santa. (If you are the person I got for secret Santa, please disregard what I just said. I don’t want to be embarrassed about how long I thought about what a good present would be or how bad I am at giving gifts). Below, you’ll find the perfect gift for your crush, that one kid you secretly hate, or the kid that’s pleasant whose presence you don’t really mind.

Pee yew. What’s that smell?

Whenever I walk down certain hallways, I hold my breath because there’s a slight stench that’s been lingering in those areas for the longest time. Sometimes I find myself silently gagging and tensing up because some area just smells so bad. The solution? Military-grade deodorant. The more aluminum, the better. If straight-up deodorant feels too mean, feel free to drop in a moderately pricey perfume or cologne.

Do I hear someone else’s wedding bells?

For the crush in your life, get them a cardboard cutout of their celebrity crush to remind yourself of how you’ll never be their type. If this is too expensive or time-consuming, a cheaper alternative would be a helium-filled balloon that you tape the face of their celebrity crush onto. With the balloon option, they can drag their celebrity crush with them wherever they go. You could also operant condition your crush by gatekeeping the balloon and only letting your crush see the balloon when you’re around. This way, your crush associates seeing their celebrity crush with you. Eventually, you will finesse your way into being your crushes type.

Humility

To the egotistical classmate in your life that got a bad grade or rejected from a college, constantly humble them by gifting them said bad test or rejection letter in a frame. However, this should be reserved for the bravest soldiers out there because being able to accept failure is a far braver action than serving in an actual war. Hopefully the realization that they’re not that great forces them to develop a better and more likeable personality or at least serves as a villain origin story to an interesting character arc.

Acceptance

On the other hand, for the classmate that you actually like, acceptance is one of the greatest gifts. That could come through as acceptance of their weird taste in men or horrible taste for pineapple on pizza. If they’re a senior, try forging an acceptance letter to their favorite university. (HAHAHA. Jk plz don’t do this. I do not encourage forgeries). For the underclassmen, it’s not too late to witness a murder and have blackmail on a university’s dean. This is the one gift that would last centuries, making sure you’ll never be forgotten.

Summary

Like I said these gifts can apply to anyone. If you don’t think any of these above options will work, maybe you don’t know your classmate well enough. If that’s the case, gift yourself the rejection of a possible friendship. Don’t like the sound of that? Sadly, that means me and you are in the same boat and that boat is slowly sinking towards a deadline.